Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
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