I wish my penis had an off switch
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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