I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
