I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
