3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
