he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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