FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
