me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
