Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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