i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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