I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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