Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
