I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
