You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
