My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
