Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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