oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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