i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
