I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
My ass is underappreciated
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
