I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I just pynch a tree in the face
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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