so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
