He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I want to be your penis for a week.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
