Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I just googled if crying burns calories
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
