just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
