i think my tv is drunk
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
