Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
