i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
She's like a pop up book from hell.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Randomize
