So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
