fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
