in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
