I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
