I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
