failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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