You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
