i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Randomize
