i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Randomize
