I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
