so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
