Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
