How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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