They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
