Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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