I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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