i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
