Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
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