Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
