Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
