can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
