Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
