M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
