You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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