I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
