Have you finally orgasmed yet?
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I will be naked everywhere
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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