so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
